SIX FEET UNDERGROUND

MARCH 12, 2024

Dear reader,

I told myself just one more night

But one night turned into two

And before my alarm woke me up

It was three, then four, then five

Got to ninety-nine, and think I might’ve reached one hundred

But I lost track of the sheep

And started counting all over again.

I told myself I wouldn't cry

No matter how bad it hurt

No matter how many times I twisted and turned

Can’t take the pills from the doctor

Even though they're supposed to remove my depression

Told myself I can’t drown in my own tears.

I told myself from six feet underground

I have to stay sane, happy, alive

Have to hope you hear me crying

I have to use the words I shouldn’t,

And hope Grandma doesn’t hear them

Anxiety can't make its way to me

Depression, like radiation, can’t get through my lead

But it’s the reason for it through my head

I told myself you know 

While I was walking, breathing

Wishing every day was my last

I held onto whatever would keep me standing

But you broke my stick

So you’re the reason for these maggots 

Eating away what's left of me

And let me explain.

I told myself you think it is all fun in games

And are not hurting me, but you are

By telling me, I'm a failure

Which I already know and have learned to embrace

By telling me I’m the worst

And the world is much better without a mistake

By telling me I’m a waste of time

Which for you just happens to be running out, 

So you also gotta take mine as well

By telling me, if you committed suicide,

I would be the reason, the first name on your note

Well, here's mine; and you’re second!

I told myself maybe I overreacted

But I wish you the best

And if I'm ruining the best for you

Then I'll disappear from your picture

Become nothing but a memory

Make dirt my home, be neighbors with the worms

I told myself that girl was bad for me

But I thought if I could fix it, make it work again

Everything would be all right

But I took my time, wasted my chances

Now she's got another guy calling her

And I'm barely holding onto a friendship

That's gonna let me fall

I told myself I’m afraid

Afraid to hear the wrong advice,

Cause that's all that's free lately

Afraid to look for things I don't want to see

Women who leave themselves open on Instagram,

Treasures for me to find

Afraid to reach out to anything

Gonna take hold of something with a trigger

And I'll get curious, turn it to my face

Wonder how it works and BAAM,

I'm afraid no more.

Didn’t mean to scare you 

Oh wait, I did

I told myself you only care when you are in danger

A bomb over your heard 

And when the dust settles

You'll wonder what the hell just happened 

You'll realize everyone is dead

Celebrate, but soon become lonely

Call my name but even the birds won't sing,

"Sorry, but he’s dead!"

Can't wait to see the look on your face.

I told myself that people change 

But only if set on fire 

But arson is a crime 

Gotta put myself in Satan’s shoes 

How do I get to the people without getting locked away?

I told myself sorry

I haven't had sex with your daughter, 

Let alone have a girl hold my hand

Made a joke about spending the night with your mom 

And now your daddy's out to get my head on a platter

What was I thinking, I don't remember

I went a little crazy, 

Slapped my mom when she caught  me watching porn, 

Sent me to therapy, called that fat lady a bitch, slammed the door, took a shovel 

And started digging my own grave.

I told myself I can’t wake up

And piss the world off, but I don’t keep promises,

I hate the ocean but love high tide.

Got a wave, 30-footer, gonna come crashing down 

And you’ll be drowning in these words

Gotta get your head above the water, take a breath 

The fish do it, though they’ll wish they had legs 

I got you fuming, about to set a fire under you 

Dumb cop, smart cop, try and pull me over 

Like Jesus, on my way to Heaven

But from six feet underground

I've lost track of time

Day and night have become one 

Dream and reality make a great smoothie

I’ve told myself to sleep

But

I don’t think my alarm was set…

Sincerely, Six Feet Underground